"Sin Chew Daily" meets "Garp"

Remember that scene in "The World According to Garp"? Today's my 18th anniversary; my wife sent me this tender story from this well-named Malaysian paper, life imitating art. I turned six the month "Sgt. Pepper" came out and hippies reminisce about hearing it played all around them that June; I read John Irving's novel, in the foil-colored mass-market paperback hyped in different colors. Mine was a masculine if royal blue, on my second plane ride and my first overseas twelve Junes later on my way to the kingdom itself and the Beatles' adopted city of London.

All around me, in those pre-iPod, pre-laptop, book-toting, cabin-smoking, pre-3/3/3 TSA rule flight days, I heard chuckles from fellow readers of this same bestseller. Never read anything by this middlebrow muse since, but when you're turning eighteen and encounter a frontseat oral sex scenario, you pay attention! Especially when it ends in fiction as badly as it did in fact:

Tuesday May 5, 2009
"Secretary accidentally bites off boss’ penis"

A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.

Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.

The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover’s organ.

The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.

To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.

The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.

“On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.

After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said.

The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.

The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.

"Ex-stewardess publishes memoir."

The dailies also reported that a former stewardess has published a memoir of her sexual escapades in the sky.

The Singaporean stewardess, identified as Chew, 35, published The Mile Hi! Club: Memoirs of a Stewardess last Wednesday.

Chew confided that she had received more than 20 requests for sex from passengers in her years as a stewardess but claimed she had turned down all of them.

Other News & Views is compiled from the vernacular newspapers (Bahasa Malaysia, Chinese and Tamil dailies). Link to stories here.

Me again: I know "Chew" is some transliteration of some common surname into Chinglish, but note the repetition here. Also, as I asked my spouse, why would Stewardess (I like feminine endings for occupations, rapidly non-PC here as we'd have to say "flight attendant") Chew if she'd been so prim have any memoirs to publish? The Mile Hi[gh] Club's not named for the chaste.

Also, I know Singapore's a puritanical place, but their prime minister was urging couples to copulate to procreate more to boost that enclave's birth rate. You'd think given the cramped conditions of Asian cities they'd welcome fewer folks, but that's like Europeans getting chastised for low birth rates that, in that hippie age, people were told to adopt so as to spare our planet's dwindling resources, another conundrum that now puzzles me: we're blamed for lower populations as if it's economically sinful! Well, as randy teens are counselled by scions more permissive than certainly my adolescence found, "alternatives" to intercourse at least keep the pregnancy rate down.

Photo: with my Safe Search Mode on, I was curious what I'd find for an image linked to particularly evocative or explicit keywords. Comparatively tame "oral sex car" revealed little of interest over the first hundred images, only this, lots of snaps of clothed women, both sexy and sullen, and a bumper sticker "My car sucks but so does my wife." Although I think in America the laws on such PDAs in parked cars are enforced, in the public interest, I append the Sunday Mirror (Britain being more free-wheeling apparently) "Put the brakes on car sex" in the "Sex Doctor" 1 Feb. 2009 column by Dr Catherine Hood, with my chosen photo, for your edification.

Dear Dr Cath,

My boyfriend is very lively, both in and out of the bedroom. He wants us to have sex in the car, but isn’t this illegal?

Dear reader,

Having sex in a stationary car isn’t an offence, but if somebody spots you and complains then you’ll be in trouble.

Ensuring privacy can be a challenge, but it’s essential if you don’t want to get caught – so pick your spot carefully.

Having sex in a moving car, however, is most definitely illegal.

Some idiots like to drive fast and get sexual pleasure at the same time.

But masturbating, receiving oral sex or having penetration while driving a vehicle is dangerous.

Don’t be tempted – no matter how “lively"? your boyfriend is feeling.